Goodnight Grandma - I Love You

In Memory Of Ling Jan 25,1920 - March 30,2004

My grandmother, Ling, was born on January 25th, 1920. A time where pre-arranged marriage in China was the norm. I never asked how my grandparents met, but a marriage that lasted 62 years is a true testimony of love and devotion.

It was time a of chaos and wars, but Ling, with some of her siblings, had escaped a relentless and unforgiving era in Chinese history. Ling has a large family, I remember growing up with aunts and uncles living closely by one another. That seemed like the first lesson my grandmother taught me - the love of a family can carry us through the most trying times.

With little formal education, my grandmother was one of the most intelligent women in my life. She taught me how to be resourceful. Grandma was a tradition Chinese housewife, bringing up 5 children while husband worked.

I heard many stories from my mother, Dawning, as well as from my aunts where there was a brief period in their lives when grandma had to sew clothes to supplement the families income. That was, I believe, the only period in my grandmother's life that she had to ever work. For a woman who never have to really earn a paycheck, grandma certainly was resourceful. I still remember going to the hawkers market with her and the stops she made at the Overseas Trust Bank (OTB). She managed to put money away with the allowance she had. She was saving not just for herself, but for me and my sister, Diane: the money which she later gave to us as we begin our new lives in America.

I was the first of 10 grandchildren of Ling. That was the time when my parents were both working and being someone who constantly battled ailments, I spent many of my childhood years with my grandparents.

"We thought you weren't going to make it!", you told me lovingly, recalling when I was born prematurely and how difficult it was to feed me and to lay me to sleep.

"Remember, when you were still a baby and had pneumonia? I had to fight the nurse for making you cry - they were trying to draw blood from you tiny little neck and I was just furious!" My grandmother taught me not to take my life for granted and my survival was the fruit of love from my family. Grandma, you have always protected me from harms, always showed me the right and virtuous path. I must be special in your eyes.

Remember when you wanted to learn English? I remember going with you to English classes, to help you with your homework and studies where we came home. Grandpa was doing export businesses and my feeling was that you wanted to be a good wife and to aid your husband's career then. That experience drew me closer to you. Although you never put them into words, you had ways to let me know that you believe in me and my potentials.

There was one time when we were at a barbeque when you announced that I cooked the best barbeque pork and it was just the way you liked it. Those were the words I will never forget. at that moment, I knoew I was your favorite.

The addition of my sister, Diane, did not change my place in your heart. You managed to give Diane and I the same amount of attention and love. You taught me fairness, love and equity. There was enough love for all your grandchildren to share.

Grandma, you believed that I was meant for greatness. Here i am, writing this, I wonder if I have disappointed you since I did not become the lawyer, the doctor or the engineer that they believe I have the intelligence for.

How I became an addict from such a loving upbringing, I had no idea, but I never felt judged by you. Mom was trying to hide my whereabouts every time when you came to visit. Mom was afraid to break your heart; for fear that finding out I was a prisoner of my addiction, my identity and my health problems. Even at the hardest of time in my life, I was able to continue. All because I knew I was special to someone - my grandmother. I wish I could take back the pain and wreckages I created - my sister and my father till these days, refused to speak to me or to see me. It was years before I fought my way back to my mother's life and it was 1998, on my birthday, after my transition, that I was invited out to lunch by my mom.

"Grandma wants to take you out to lunch for your birthday"

Imagine how ecstatic I was to see my grandparents for the first time after I embraced my womanhood.

I waited anxiously in front of my building. I saw my mom's car pulling up and I got in.

"Hello, grandpa and grandma"

I was nervous and not sure of their reaction.

"You look beautiful." The first words I heard from you, accompanied by your warm and loving smile. You showed me that you were just happy to see me and it was like the old times again. I was once again your favorite grandchild.

The past 6 years, since our reunion, I had moved forward and followed my passion. I became an activist, a care giver and a role model for some. It was 3 years ago when I was elected the President of San Francisco Pride.

Grandma, were you proud of me?

Works and community involvement filled my life. There were times when you and grandpa asked to have lunch with me and my mom told them I was really busy.

Grandma, please know that I always have time for you and grandpa no matter how busy my schedule is. There is nothing in the world that I could not postpone for you.

When mom called me last December and told me that you have been really sick, I was angry. I was angry that she waited for so long before she broke the news to me. I was angry that I was an outsider in my own family. I was angry at myself that I didn't spend more time with you.

Grandma, you are a remarkable woman. There is no way I can imagine the pain you endured to make it to Diane's wedding. That was your wish - to see Diane getting married. I felt sad that I was not invited but comforted to know that you were able to be there for your favorite granddaughter.

When I saw you last night, I knew I had to be strong enough to say my goodbye. That was really selfish of me not to let you go. What were you trying to say to me grandma? When I was letting go of your hand you opened your eyes. Were you able to see me? Could you see in my eyes that I love you more than life itself? Grandma, will I always be your favorite?

You were fighting so hard to keep your last breath. Grandma, you must be worried about us like you were when you and grandpa went with me to Australia, just to make sure I settled in.

When I saw how peaceful you looked today, I know you are finally at rest and you don't have to worry about us anymore.

Goodnight grandma.

I love you, always, forever and ever.